it's a good thing no one reads this

i feel myself giving into depression again. there are times when i see my future narrow into a point in front of me (not literally, but mentally) and i feel as if eventually it's going to end, i fear, prematurely. i hesitate to say i'm suicidal. i think that anyone serious enough to kill themselves wouldn't tell a soul at all. i think they'd have the foresight to keep it to themselves as to not alarm anyone. anyone serious enough, that is. for me though, it's hard to say. sometimes the thought of just quitting it all seems like the right choice. for all the holes i've dug myself into, it seems like the only way out. or.. i don't know. i can't kill myself. i'm not that selfish. i have friends whom i love and care for deeply, and i couldn't do that to them. and for that, i'm grateful above all else. i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. let me start over.

i feel myself giving into depression again. i don't know if it's the phases of the moon, or saturn's not in the house of gemini or whatever.. but shit's been getting to me lately. i think abut my future and where i want to take it, and i draw blanks. every now and then i throw ideas at a metaphorical wall and nothing ever sticks. i'm 26 years old with nothing but a high school diploma, and a cashier position at a used bookstore. something needs to happen. and something needs to happen soon goddammit. i'm tired of being in this constant rut. i want my life back. i want to be myself again.